peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
