I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
