My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
