I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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