i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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