Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
