My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
