So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
