I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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