I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Randomize
