the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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