I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
