Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
you never un-have a 4some
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
