I don't usually arrange sex via text message
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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