Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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