so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
