who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
