Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
