So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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