My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
