i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
