He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
My bed smells like the plague
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