i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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