Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
