I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
