Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
