If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Randomize
