got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Tornado booty call.. dedication
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Randomize
