I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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