So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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