Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Girls should come with a carfax report
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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