Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
