I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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