Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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