my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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