I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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