she looked like the before picture.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
You ruined the universe
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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