I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
