I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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