my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
