I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
