sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
it glows. i had to have it.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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