flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
