You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
