We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
