Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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