The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
