Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
