I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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