Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Randomize
