You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
